When you think you are going crazy but you are not

Have you ever had that feeling that you must be going crazy, because something feels so wrong but the people around you are acting as if you’re the problem?

Well, you are not alone! Hidden agendas are extremely common in relationships.

What are some clues that there is more than “meets the eye” in a relationship communication? One clue might be confusion. You find yourself questioning your own experience and perceptions, because something in your “gut” feels so different from the way things “seem” on the surface. In addition, others may not validate your “gut feeling” because they are fooled by the way things seem, so it’s especially hard to know what to make of your own reactions.

For example, on the surface, your friend or family member seems so nice and kind, but somehow you always seem to feel so angry or put-down after spending time with them. In another situation, the other person might seem so accepting and non-judgmental, yet somehow you always feel so small and insignificant after a conversation with him/her. Yet another example might occur if your partner keeps encouraging you to succeed, only to completely deflate you with their reaction when you are just at the cusp of success; you then feel “stupid” or “foolish” for your excitement and hope.

As a relationship therapist, it is not uncommon at all to come across situations just like these- where one person’s outward expressions or words have a hidden effect on the other, that seems quite the opposite of what is being communicated overtly/on the surface. This often leads the recipient of such communications to feel confused, to doubt and question their own ideas and perceptions. For example, one might ask himself, “If my partner seems so nice and calm all the time, why do I feel so angry?” Or, “If my wife keeps telling me to find a job, why do I feel like I did something really wrong when I finally get the job I’ve been looking for?” (After she said, “Oh, you got that job…I see. How are you going to pay the bills with that kind of job?”)

One important aspect of being in relationships is learning to trust our own reactions as being meaningful. It doesn’t mean that our reactions are always “The Truth”, but certainly they have some validity in some way. Exploring the meanings of our confusing reactions can help us bring hidden relationship dynamics into the open…so they can be dealt with directly. However, this also means that we have to try to understand why the other person does not feel safe to express certain emotions or ideas directly…and we need to avoid attacking the other person for their indirect communications. Once we can help make it safer for the other person to be more direct, then perhaps the relationship can become less confusing and more straightforward.

But we need to trust ourselves in order to facilitate this process! It means learning to say things like, “Although you are saying that you simply forgot to do the dishes as you agreed to, the effect on me is to feel that my request for more help wasn’t taken seriously. What do you make of that?” Or, “Although you’re saying that you aren’t angry with me for staying late at work today, coming home and finding the house a mess and supper not made while you are spending time on facebook, makes me wonder about it. This is so different from the way things are on days when I come home on time. How do you understand that difference?”

Here are some other examples of a disconnect between what a person does or says, and the effect experienced by the other person (due to opposite communications through actions, body language that doesn’t match up, etc.)

Your mother tells you that it’s okay not to visit at a time when your schedule conflicts with a family event, but then acts silent and “cold” when you don’t actually come. You feel that you are being “punished” for not visiting, but she denies it when you ask if she is upset that you didn’t come.

Your partner says he wants you to be honest about needing help, and that if you’d only communicate your needs more clearly, then he/she would want to help you more. But when you actually start asking for help, he says he will help you out, but never follows through. When you confront him about this, he accuses you of “nagging” or not trusting him, or else innocently says that he “forgot”.

Your friend constantly puts herself down for not being “good enough”, while describing all of the “good” things she does…for example, “I know I went to visit my friend in the hospital yesterday, but really I should have gone a week ago. And I know that I made supper for my friend who had a baby, but I should have sent her lunch too. Etc. Etc.” On the surface, it sounds like she is putting herself down, but she is covertly bragging about what she does do. You are left feeling small and guilty because you don’t do anything even close to what she does for others.

Can you relate?

In the Lansing Michigan area,  please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.